i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
