remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
