wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
