Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
