I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
