I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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