If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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