I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
