she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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