just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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