Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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