There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
