never play flip cup with pint glasses
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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