Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
