I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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