Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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