So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
