need another drink. this is the easiest way
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
