The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
