I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
