I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
