i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
21 ‘Don’t Say It’ Tweets That Are Gonna Get Said Every Damn Time
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.