my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol