I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car