She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
