Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize