It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
