A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
