I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
