I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize