3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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