I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
