Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
