New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
