best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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