Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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