My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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