I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
