So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Pooping to opera.
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