come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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