so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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