Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
