Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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