After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
