What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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