why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
