I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
