I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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