...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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