These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
