I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Randomize
