Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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