i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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