I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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