I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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