Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
