We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
