i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
