omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
