I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Randomize
