dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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